There are lots of reasons…The main one is not knowing what to write, and where to take my blog. I have not been on since Nov. 2017 and now it is April 2019. I am having a hard time just finding the right direction.
I tend to over think things, and want things to look perfect. I guess that is how we are trained in society. If you don’t do things perfect, there is always that one person out there that will cut you down about. So we will re-read what we wrote 50 billion times, because one grammar mistake, one spelling error, one thing wrong, and there is always judgment. It can be very stressful.
DON’T GET ME WRONG: I don’t mind people who point out my mistakes who are nice and respectful and shows some empathy about it. I really like trying to improve. It is just the people who are very disrespectful and tell us how stupid we are for not knowing better. Acting that way doesn’t help anyone.
So today, I’m going to attempt to not drive myself crazy…haha
Another reason, is that for years (since 2010), I have been in and out of a depress state of mind, and it has held me back from a lot. No I don’t believe that I am unique, and nor do I believe there is something damaging about me.
I think it’s normal?!?!
I spent 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week…THINKING. My job is very easy, so my mind just drifts off thinking about every little thing whether it is something that has happen 10 years ago that made me sad or angry or it could also be the very things in my present that stress me out. It is usually nothing happy or exciting.
I have tried so many things to distract me from thinking such as audio-books, music, meditation, taking better care of myself through eating, sleep and exercise, get more involved in learning new things, so maybe I might think about that instead. I even started up YouTube channel to document my travel, so that I can remember more good times than bad times. It just doesn’t seem to turn it off no matter what I do.
Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign that maybe it is time to switch jobs, or maybe I need to see a therapist.
I actually like my job. It is easy. I like the people who are there. If I could figure out how to stop making myself miserable every day, my life would be great…haha Maybe I just need to write more…I don’t know.
At this point of my life, it has left me mentally and emotionally drained and feel like I can’t handle things that use to not bother me. Most days, I bust out in tears in my car out of frustration that I can’t seem to have control over my mind. It is like someone is operating my mind, and I am left helpless.
It leaves me exhausted, and I feel like I have a bad case of the brain fog. Someone could ask me a question, and I might know the answer, but somehow I can’t seem to retrieve that information.
But through it all, there is always something positive that comes from nothing. My over-thinking isn’t 100% bad. I have solved a lot of problems, because of it. I have noticed that I’m more aware about things than other people. Not trying to compare myself to others, that is just an observation. Because my mind is on stress, worry, sadness, angry, it kind of tunes me to notice when something isn’t right much sooner than others. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that is the best way I can describe it.
I’m going to try to get back into writing, but there is no guarantee…haha. Maybe my blog should be more about a therapy session for my own mind??